Waiting
by seeyouontheice
Summary: when the Janny baby (now a 3yr old toddler) is taken in for emergency heart surgery how do Jac and Jonny react?
1. Chapter 1

He grabbed her round the waist and dragged her into the consultant's office, out of the way of the rest of the ward. She struggled, tears streaming down her cheeks, as she tried to break his grip. "Let me go!" she hit him, hard, round the face and he staggered backwards, shocked at the force behind the blow.

"No!" he seized her arm before she reached the door and pulled her back towards him. She was distraught at the sudden deterioration of the little girl and that the need for surgery had quickly become a necessity rather than an option.

"I need to – please … my baby …" she fought him off as much as she could and Jonny resorted to holding her back by taking a firm hold of her scrub top, although he was worried it would rip. "Please," she begged him, "let me go!"

"Not when you're like this – Jac – _stop fighting me_!" he said through gritted teeth as she continued to try and push him away. He was thankful he'd decided to hang around at the end of his shift; he shuddered to think how they'd cope with Jac if he wasn't there, willing to take drastic actions in order to keep her as far away from theatre as possible so to ensure the best possible outcome. Letting her watch from the gallery was out of the question; something would go wrong and she'd be scrubbing up within a heartbeat.

"Leave go!" she cried, "Jonny, please …" her voice caught in the middle of the word and for a brief moment se faltered and Jonny leapt at her momentary weakness.

"Jac stop this; she'll be fine!"

"You don't know that Jonny, you're not a doctor you're just a stupid nurse!" he grabbed her wrists before she could hit him again and pulled her into his arms where he held her tightly, refusing to let go as she cried into his shirt and tried to push him away. But Jonny had had enough of that; no matter what she did, he refused to let her push him out because he knew she needed him … he knew she was terrified.

"But I know that Elliot and Mo know _exactly_ what they're doing and I know they'll do everything they can to put it right …" his heart was breaking as Jac showed no sign of stopping her tears. "It's okay," he murmured, "It's okay … let it out Jac; let it all out …"

"It's my fault isn't it? It's because I'm such a bad mother –"

"Don't say that! No one loves Lexi like you do – jeeze I can't think of anyone I'd rather have be the mother of my child … Jac it's not your fault!" he held her even tighter because she was all he had to stop himself from breaking down like she had. He felt his tears and clenched his jaw. _She's going to be fine_ he told himself, _she's going to make it._ If he broke then there'd be no way of stopping Jac from making mistakes or talking her out of doing something foolish.

"I'm scared … so scared Jonny; I – I don't want to – _I can't_ – lose her … not now, not – not like this!" she clung to him so desperately, "and you don't make it any easier on my Jonny … I – I mean … I love you – I guess I never stopped loving you." he just held her closer to him. "But you moved on and I …" the tears were soaking his shirt, "I can't stop – can't stop loving you … everything is ten times harder because I know you moved on and I see it … every time I drop Lexi off or – or pick her up. She's … Lex, she's … she's all I have left now; that one piece of you I can forever call mine."

"I know … I know; it's okay Jac – I've got you … I'm not letting go – I … I promise."

"But you can't promise me that! Because you're going to – you're gonna … you're going to – to marry _her_ and … and be all … happy families with Lexi and – and I'm just going to be alone and …"

"Ssssshhhh. I'm here now Jac; you've got me for the moment."

"But I don't have you, not really, because you don't love me."

There was little he could say to explain how he felt because he honestly couldn't say. Yes he was engaged to be married, but his fiancée was reluctant to accept that Lexi came first and she was probably fuming and frothing at the mouth because he'd skipped dinner with her parents so be here with Jac while she waited for news on their daughter. "It's not that simple Jac;" he whispered into her hair, "things have got complicated and …" he sighed, "you know, sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices at times."

She looked up at him and he almost broke at the sight of her tear stained face, red eyes and smudged makeup. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice struggling to remain steady.

"I don't know," he admitted, "I don't know."

"Do you love her?" he struggled. He _should_ say yes, but whenever he said it, it felt like he was lying and Jonny never felt comfortable lying about something like that. And then she spoke again in little more than a whisper, "do you love me?" she was crying again and he wouldn't have realised she was crying if he hadn't been watching the tears fall from her perfect green eyes – the eyes she'd passed on to their little girl along with Jac's hair and Jonny's curls.

He said nothing; he bit his lip and pulled her tightly into his arms as he failed to answer her question. She'd started sobbing again – but quieter this time; tears of a heartbreak, not the anguished sobs of a mother worried sick she was about to lose her child – and he simply stood there waiting. Waiting for Mo or Elliot or someone to come and tell them that things were okay, that little Lexi-Lou would be fine.

_Waiting._

It was all they could do.


	2. Chapter 2

"We've repaired the tear and stemmed the flow, but it's only a temporary fix; once she's got rid of her cold, we'll take her back in and do a more permanent job." Elliot looked at the pair over the top of his glasses. The way that Jonny was holding onto her … he was going to marry the wrong woman and leave Jac alone like all the others had. "Now, she's sedated at the moment, and won't wake up until the morning. We decided that was the best option to give her body time to recover better since you both say she's a light sleeper. The noisy ward will most probably wake her every ten minutes or so."

They nodded, "Can I – erm, _we_ – can we see her?"

The lack of anything other than worry in her voice shocked Elliot to the core and he nodded, indicating that Mo lead them to the bed. "C'mon," Jonny murmured taking Jac's hand in his and smiling encouragingly at her. His strength and the way he was keeping it together purely so for Jac's benefit touched the old heart consultant in a way that surprised him, until he realised that it was because of those fatherly feelings he had for the fiery consultant who shared his office.

Her hand felt unnaturally small in his, almost childlike, as they followed Mo across the ward and towards bay four. Mo gave them both smiles of comfort, although it was more for Jac than Jonny since she was the one close to breaking, and left them be. Jac's hand slipped out of his as she perched on the edge of the bed beside the little girl. Jonny remained where he was at the foot of the bed and watched as Jac tenderly pushed back the red hair that curled naturally into little ringlets and then kissed her daughter, almost as if she were saying goodnight.

At least she needed no help breathing and she was attached to nothing more than a rudimentary drip to keep her hydrated. However her skin was rather pale – paler than usual since like Jac, she had an inability to tan without getting burnt – and it was evident that she wasn't well … Jonny let out a sigh and allowed his head to drop since he knew Jac had her head turned; he had to remain positive and certain that things were going to be okay otherwise she'd crack and they'd be little to convince her that everything was alright.

They both jumped when a loud blaring ringtone emitted from Jonny's pocket. "Sorry …" he muttered and then groaned at the name flashing up at him from the screen. Hurrying to an empty side room, Jonny grudgingly took the call. Jac watched him leave, the look on his face telling her at once that it was _her_ calling and also telling her that he was most likely in trouble. She didn't dwell on it long; although she wished he hadn't left, even if it was for an important phone call.

Turning back to Lexi, the relief that she was alright was washing away as she remembered how Elliot had said that once the cold was gone they'd take her back in … if this was how she'd reacted the first time, then how on earth would she cope a second time? Something told Jac that it wasn't one of those things that got easier the more times it happened. Almost wondering if she could ask Mo to wake Lexi up just so she could see her little smirk that had come from her father and hear her laugh, Jac reached out and stroked cheek.

"You okay?" Mo had taken the seat at the bedside, out of her scrubs and clearly about to head home. "Jonny's in some shit – something about missing dinner with the in-laws-to-be …"

"I don't care …"

"Yes you do … Jac – we … we know you still love him." Jac looked up at Mo and sighed; now Jonny wasn't here it was easier to cry. "Don't you think it's time to move on?" she ventured and when Jac didn't tell her to leave it, Mo continued, "it's been three years Jac …"

"I know … I've tried Mo, honestly I have – but … I can't move on because there isn't anyone else." Jac stared at Lexi-Lou and smiled slightly.

"You don't know that Jac; there's always someone new, someone better …"

"He was that person Mo. He was my someone new and my someone better, don't you see that? I love him more than I've ever loved anyone …" she bit her lip but couldn't stop her shoulders from shaking with her suppressed sobs. "And I honestly don't think there is anyone I could love more than him."

"But you've got Lexi," Mo pointed out, "you still have part of him."

"I know … and it's all I have now – _she's _all I have." Before either of them could speak, Jonny reappeared at the other side of Lexi's bed, bent down and gave the sedated girl a kiss before disappearing again almost instantaneously. Jac knew that was the last she'd see him that day because he was no doubt running off to have _her_ comfort him – or maybe he was going so he could forget about what had happened today.

She had no idea how much time had passed between Jonny leaving and Mo pulling Jac to her feet; either it was no time at all or hours later. Jac had just been watching Lexi sleep and had found that while she was, the situation between her and Jonny seemed less … relevant? Painful? Heartbreaking? Mo was talking to her, and Jac tore her eyes away from her child so she could focus on whatever it was.

"You're staying round mine tonight," she said firmly. "No questions."

"But …"

"Lexi won't wake until the morning and I promise we'll be in before then since I have the early shift, Jac … sleep will do you good." Numbly, she figured that Mo was right and let the registrar guide her away from her daughter. "All you'd be doing is sitting and waiting for her to wake up, and by the time that happens, you'll be shattered. Lexi will need you when she wakes up."

Or was it more Jac would need Lexi? Still, sleeping on Mo's sofa was better than waiting by Lexi's beside for her to wake, even though she knew that wouldn't happen until Elliot and Mo decided her little body had recovered enough to come out of the enforced coma.

_Waiting._

It all came down to waiting.


	3. Chapter 3

"You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Jac … you haven't eaten since lunch yesterday!"

"I said I'm not hungry."

"Jonny Mac, please?"

"She says she's not hungry then she's not hungry Mo." She walked away and Jonny switched his gaze from Lexi to Jac. Mo was right; she needed to eat … but he didn't see her leaving Lexi's side anytime soon. She was perched on the edge of the bed, her hair tumbling down her back lose and in slight need of a brush, and clearly hadn't been able to sleep all that well. Which made him feel guilty since after he'd got home and said sorry to his fiancée, he'd had a pretty good night's sleep … although what she'd insisted they did before probably had something to do with it.

Sighing, Jonny got to his feet and dug his wallet out of his pocket. Murmuring to Jac that he was going to get a coffee he asked if she wanted anything, knowing that the answer would be no and that he would get her something anyway. Knowing his luck, Lexi would wake while he was busy getting his coffee and something to for Jac … answering Elliot's question before it was asked, Jonny headed into the lift – he'd never been one for sitting still.

Jac watched him round the corner and disappear into the lift before turning back to the little girl in time to see her stir. She screwed up her face and blinked several times as she took in her surroundings with a worried frown. Immediately she searched for her mother and her little face broke into a grin once she'd found her sitting on the edge of her bed with a comforting and reassuring smile. Lexi automatically held out her arms and Jac scooped the little girl up, holding her close, but also afraid that if she held on too tightly, she'd hurt her.

"Love you mummy," Lexi whispered and Jac kissed her.

"And I love you too baby girl." Reluctantly, Jac let Lexi go and made her settle back down into the bed. Pulling the blankets up over her, Jac tucked Lexi's hair behind her ears and kissed her little nose, forcing her to giggle and throw her arms around Jac's neck.

"Where's daddy?" she asked suddenly and Jac's heart sank slightly before picking itself up and spluttering on.

"He got hungry, Lexi. You know what he's like when he's hungry – he gets almost as grumpy as you do!"

"I'm not grumpy!"

Jac laughed lightly, "If you say so," Lexi seemed to want more cuddles, so Jac got up from her perch on the edge of the bed and instead settled down beside her daughter, wrapping her arms around her as she rested her head against Jac and gave a small sigh of contentment. Jac didn't know how long they stayed as they were; but as each moment passed, Jac found it harder and harder to stop herself from crying. _Jonny … I need you. _If he was there then everything would be ten times easier – and ten times harder … Because he'd be sprawled across the end of the bed, cracking joke after cheesy joke as well as making a fool of himself and genuinely keeping Lexi – and Jac – smiling and upbeat and positive while Jac found the courage to explain to their daughter what had happened, and what was still to happen. But at the same time, taunting Jac with the family and life she wished she had with him.

Lexi sneezed twice in quick succession, and Jac automatically told her to cover her mouth so that the germs didn't spread across the ward. It scared her, to see her child be so weak and frail … just the other day she'd been running circles round Jac screaming that she would not , under no circumstances, have a bath. She wasn't sure why she had insisted on being the person to tell Lexi what had happened, and she knew that should she utter the word Elliot or Mo would step in and do it for her.

Soon the questions would come – Lexi was far too inquisitive for her own good and Jac cursed how she and Jonny were encouraging it – and she was nowhere near prepared to answer them _and_ reassure her daughter at the same time. Jac had never let Lexi see her cry and was unwilling to start now. "Mummy?"

"Lexi-Lou."

"What happened?" she wasn't at all alarmed by her surroundings, and Jac figured it was because she'd spent much time here when she was still too young to go to the cresh – they'd imposed an age limit about a week before Lexi had been born.

_Too soon, Lex … ask me later; I'm not ready to tell you … Jonny!_ "You er … well, um you … you got poorly, Lexi, very poorly – in fact your heart stopped working properly for a bit."

"Oh … did mummy fix it?"

"No … auntie Mo and Elliot did instead."

"Am I all better now?"

Jac bit her lip and stared up at the ceiling as she tried to control her emotions. "Not … not – not quite. You've erm … Elliot's going to – to … when you're cold has gone he's going to, um … make you better properly, okay?"

Lexi's little face creased into a frown as she thought it over. "And I'll be all better again?"

How was she to answer that? Tears threatened to betray her and Jac was struggling to cope as she tried to find a way to tell Lexi the truth so that she would understand and comprehend what it meant, but that would also not alarm her too much. Looking round, Jac tried to find Elliot or Mo or anyone but the ward was empty and Jac felt alone and isolated, as if she and Lexi were all that was left. How could Jac tell her little girl that she might not come out of surgery alive? She could barely accept that herself.

"Mummy? Why are you crying?" And then Jonny was there. Jac didn't need Lexi's shout of "Daddy!" to know that it was him who was holding her and him who was telling her that everything was going to be alright. It was only once she'd calmed down that she realised Jonny had taken her into the staff room away from Lexi so that her tears didn't upset the little girl any more.

"I'm sorry … so sorry I just …" she struggled to speak past her hiccups. "I just – couldn't … Lexi she wanted …"

"I know … you did great Jac; I couldn't have told her."

"What if she doesn't make it?" Jac dared to ask and Jonny didn't respond; he clung to her tighter, as if to tell her that she would always have him, but Jac knew that wasn't true. Lifting her chin up so that he could see her face, Jonny leant down to kiss her. At the last instant Jac turned her head away and pushed him back. "I can't … not like this."

"Why not?"

Jac let out a laugh. "Because you're engaged Jonny! You don't love me … and I'm not going to let you give me any false hope … I – I can't afford to."

There was silence, "sorry," he muttered after a while. "I don't know what I was thinking … I got you a coffee – and a sandwich. Mo has them … I'll – erm … I'll go see Lex."

He left the room and Jac crumbled to the floor, crying uncontrollably. She was waiting for a day that she knew would never come; the day she stopped loving Jonny. Waiting and hoping and in the meantime struggling not to fall deeper and deeper. It had never been this hard with any of the others … hugging her knees Jac sat waiting for the day she could look at Jonny and feel nothing for him.

_Waiting._

For something that would never be.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexi was playing with the iPad he'd 'borrowed' from the ward and every now and then she'd get frustrated by the drip attached to her hand or sneeze uncontrollably. "Come here you little rascal," he grinned, pulling a tissue out of the box on the table beside her and wiping Lexi's nose before she dripped snot all over the expensive bit of technology Elliot still hadn't gotten his head round.

"Daddy why aren't you marrying mummy?"

Jonny froze in the act of chucking the tissue in the nearby bin. "Er … well because er … jeeze Lex, you sure know how to startle your wee daddy."

"But why?"

"It's complicated."

"Complicated?" he laughed at her attempt to pronounce the word and he found himself speaking it slower several times until she'd said it right. He distracted her by pulling up one of the games and she laughed lightly again after he'd shown her what to do – apparently slicing fruit was funny? – and Jonny settled down in the spot Jac had been in before she'd turned on the waterworks.

But Lexi hadn't forgotten that her daddy hadn't answered her question – all Jonny had done was buy himself some time to figure out what to say. He let his head fall back against the pillows and closed his eyes as Lexi snuggled up close to him, her attention entirely upon the device he'd given her and allowing Jonny time to think.

Whenever Mo, Elliot, Sacha, Malick, Serena – anyone really – had asked him that question, he'd always had his answer ready, but to be asked by his own daughter why he wasn't marrying Jac was … disarming; his reasons suddenly weren't good enough. Once he'd worked out _why _they weren't good enough, he could then find a reason that explained and suited better his reasons for not marrying the mother of his child. To say he didn't love her wasn't even close … and he wasn't entirely sure that not loving her was the issue.

But a different question crossed his mind – not unrelated, but perhaps a better one to try and answer; why did it hurt so much to see Jac cry? Maybe because she had never seemed the type to let herself become so … well _emotional_ over something. But then again, he did always have a feeling that she was bottling things up and he knew it can't have been good for her.

To see her at her weakest, her lowest, her most vulnerable made him see just how truly amazing she really was. She had dealt with too much in her life; too much heartbreak, too much disappointment, too much let downs and way too much judgement. It was as if everyone expected her to be this cold hearted person and the only way she could get herself noticed and respected was to yield to their expectations and be the bitch that everyone hated. No one stopped to consider how she felt, how she was coping; they just expected her to carry on and not complain. They certainly didn't have time for the person she really was underneath all that – the person he'd once considered having a future with.

She was given harsh words and distrusted for just being who they expected her to be. Criticized for how she treated her junior doctors, no one stopped to realise that Tara Lo had been the best and Oliver Valentine had passed with full marks in his final exams _because_ Jac pushed them the way she had pushed them and had made sure that they had mastered everything she'd asked them to master before moving onwards.

Having Lexi had given her new freedom to be herself, and it had warmed Jonny to watch her take that chance; little about her had changed aside from the fact that she smiled often, and laughed with them and she wasn't so quick to yell at someone if they were pissing her off. She needed looking after – she would never, in a million years, admit that even to herself … well she might admit to needing Lexi … but Jonny knew it was true. He knew that she needed someone to hold her when she cried and wipe away her tears and tell her that they weren't needed.

You'd never put Jac Naylor and crying in the same sentence, unless it was saying she'd made someone else cry, but then her hormones started going whack and she discovered she was pregnant and everything changed. Secrets about her past and the things she'd gone through started slipping out and sympathy she didn't want or need was suddenly in abundance. It just went to show that even the toughest of people had worries, doubts, and fears.

Too many people had hurt her. That was why. It hurt to see her cry because it meant that another person had gotten under her skin and another person had reduced her to nearly nothing; stripped her of all her protection and all that kept her together without a second glance. And she didn't deserve that … not after everything that had happened. There was something about her crying that instinctively made him want to make it all better … he'd do anything to stop her from crying.

But recently, she'd only been crying because of him.

"Daddy?" Jonny opened his eyes and found Lexi looking up at him with pouting lips, "it's stopped!" indicating the blank screen, Jonny got the message.

"Well that'd be because you've broken it," he joked as Elliot came over to do Lexi's obs.

"Right then, Alexandra Louise Maconie …"

"It's Lexi-Lou!" she corrected irritably, and sounding a lot like Jac did whenever Elliot continually got something wrong.

"Oh right … my mistake," he muttered smiling. "Now, I'd like to listen to your chest? Is that alright?" Lexi nodded and Jonny sat her forwards while Elliot placed the stethoscope against her ribs and listened intently for a moment or two. He thanked her, looked over his shoulder before dipping a hand into his pocket and pulling out a handful of sweets which Lexi immediately snatched out of his hand. At Jonny's raised eyebrow she turned to Elliot and thanked him before kissing him soundly on the nose and making the old man blush.

Letting the nurse take her to the toilet since Lexi refused to go into the men's and Jonny suspected Jac had not yet emerged from the staff room; he went back to his thoughts. _Okay then Jonny, she's been hurt too much and that's why you can't stand to see he so upset; what does that mean?_ Did it mean that he loved her? Could he dare to go down that route and explore it – or was he going to deny that possibility because he was engaged? Jonny realised that he did dare and started to wonder when it was that he'd first fell for her.

Or had it just … happened? Had he quite simply woken up one insignificant morning completely and totally in love with her? If that was the case – and he decided that it was – when had he stopped? When she'd slept with Sean Dolan? When she'd hit him? When she'd lied to him about the endometriosis? Or was it a combination of all those things that had allowed him to walk away without caring about her anymore?

Except … he did care. He cared a great deal about Jac, in fact – could he dare it? – he might say he loved Jac … No, that can't be right? Had it happened recently, or had he been lying to himself, to her, to Lexi, to everyone, for years? Jonny sat there in the chair beside his daughter's bed waiting for the discovery to hit him. Waiting for the self-loathing and to begin and his guilt over what he'd put Jac through to start so he could beat himself up about it.

_Waiting._

Waiting to realise he loved her.


	5. Chapter 5

She was still crying. Because of him. He loved her – yes he loved her; in all honesty he had never stopped loving her – but he was hurting her. Hurting her and hurting himself at the same time; he didn't know what to do. He wanted, more than anything in the world right then, for Jac to stop hurting, for Jac to be … well, Jac. He'd never in a million years, thought that he'd do this to her, he'd never thought he could hurt her like he was – each tear she shed tore at his heart and broke it that little bit more.

And Lexi … he loved his daughter more than anything in the world; she was his world. Her little face when she'd seen Jac crying; _that_ had well and truly shattered his heart because Lexi couldn't understand why her mummy was so upset. _Lexi … what if she doesn't make it?_ he wondered, allowing himself to ponder the question Jac dared to ask before he'd utterly destroyed her … well there'd be nothing left for Jac; Lexi was her life now, her everything. She barely coped on a good day and he knew Jac was terrified that social services would come knocking and take Lexi away from her. It saddened him to know that it could happen. Jac wasn't in any way mistreating Lexi, nor was he, but it wasn't about that. It was about whether or not Jac could manage alone and they all knew that she couldn't – not _really._ Jonny couldn't count the number of times he'd been woken in the night to have her sobbing down the phone because something or someone had got to her. Again.

Yet he had never, not once – nor had anyone else for that matter – suggest that Lexi live with him rather than with Jac. It wasn't even an option because from the moment Lexi was placed in her arms, they knew that there was no way Jac would ever, willingly or otherwise, give her up. Jac needed Lexi and Lexi needed Jac. No one dared to interfere with the bond that they shared because nothing would ever come close to it; a mother's arms were the one place that you _knew_ you was safe. Jac had grown up without that and there was no way Jonny was going to let Lexi grow up without it either.

He didn't know what to do.

No, that was a lie. There was something he could do – two things he could do.

One. He could continue on as things were. Pretend that he didn't love Jac and pretend that he didn't notice how much she needed him. Continue on being there for Lexi and unintentionally leading Jac on whenever he comforted her or planned days out with the three of them. He could deny everything and claim ignorance and watch as the social slowly started drawing attention to Jac and how much she was struggling to juggle her work, her daughter, and a love she needed but couldn't have.

Or, two. He could leave. Marry his fiancée and move to another hospital and cease all contact and connection to his friends here, to Jac, and to Lexi. Surely that way, he would stop hurting her by accident. He'd stop trying to make things better but only making it worse. Yes it'd be hard on Lexi, but she'd have Jac, she'd have her mother. A mother was far more important than a father, wasn't it? All a father did was … well Jac did it all. Maybe if he wasn't in her life then it would make it easier for the both of them to carry on – move on, even though he knew Jac couldn't. It would, wouldn't it? Make things better rather than worse? Jac would cope, she had Sacha and Mo and Elliot and the rest of the hospital.

She'd be safe. No more hurting, no more crying – because that's what the problem was; she was hurting too much and it was bleeding into everything she did and slowly taking control of her life and she wasn't able to cope with the mounting pressure that was building up. And Lexi wouldn't have to see her mummy cry again. Yes. Leaving was the only option. He had to, he was engaged – he had a whole new life just waiting to start and he couldn't start that here with everything that was happening and had happened. If he left then it be better for everyone. Easier for everyone. Less painful in the long run.

By staying all he'd achieve would be that he'd keep on hurting Jac – and by extension, Lexi – which he couldn't stand. Getting to his feet, Jonny shut himself in the Sisters' office while he wrote out his resignation letter before dropping his fiancée a text to say what he'd done. Reading through the bob-standard letter, he placed it in an envelope and wrote out Hanssen's name before placing it on the pile of 'post' that was to be sent to varying people in the hospital.

So the deed was done. By tomorrow everyone would know and he'd have to endure questions after questions as to _why_. The only person he owed one to was the one person he was trying to protect. Jonny watched as Jac finally emerged from the staff room as Lexi and the nurse came back from the toilet. He couldn't do that today … he couldn't tell her moments after she'd just stopped crying; it would destroy her. He sighed as Lexi almost jumped into Jac's arms and he assumed she was questioning her mother's tears. Jonny knew that Lexi would look after Jac just as much as Jac looked after Lexi. They would be fine; better off without him.

All he ever did was let them down.

Today though, he would pretend that nothing abnormal was happening. He'd put on a smile and go over to his daughter and Jac and take up his place in their distorted family while they sat on unawares that he would be gone soon. His legs moved automatically and in no time at all he was plonking himself down on the end of the bed and cracking the cheesiest, most unfunny joke he knew and waiting for tomorrow.

_Waiting._

It was all he had.


	6. Chapter 6

A week had passed and he still hadn't told Jac he was going. Hanssen and Serena seemed reluctant to accept his resignation and both had told him to let them know the instant he changed his mind. But he wasn't going to change his mind; he'd already found a job at another hospital and his fiancée was once again being the nice and considerate woman he'd first met. The news had leaked out two days ago, and wherever he went he couldn't avoid the questions; _why now?_ They thought he was running away – and maybe he was – but they thought it was because he didn't want an ill daughter rather than because he couldn't be the man Jac needed.

Lexi had already figured something wasn't right. Despite how considerate the gossip wheel was for once in keeping the information form Jac, Lexi could tell that something wasn't right with her daddy and the nurses forgot that, despite being only three years old, she was very intelligent for her age and had overheard the news. "Daddy?"

"Lexi-Lou."

"Don't you love me anymore?"

Jonny sat reeling from shock, "of course I love you why would you ever think that I didn't?" he asked, wrapping her up in his arms.

"But you're going away."

Jonny closed his eyes and held her close as he kissed the top of her head, "oh Lexi-Lou … me wee baby girl … it's for the best. Okay? Can you trust your daddy?"

"A wee bit I suppose." She answered softly after letting out a huge sigh.

"That's m'girl … can you promise me something?" she nodded and twisted in his arms so her perfect green eyes – her mother's eyes – were gazing into his. "Look after mummy for me … alright? Promise and be a good girl – eat up all your carrots and peas –"

"I don't like carrots!"

"But they help you see in the dark!" he bit his lip and took a calming breath, "you've got uncle Sacha haven't you? And Elliot … and mummy and auntie Mo. And daddy will _always always_ love you." there were a few tears in her eyes as she kissed him and flung her small arms around his neck.

"Love you daddy." She whispered.

"Love you too baby." He reluctantly removed her arms from his neck, tucked her back up in the bed as Mo came over, having overheard their conversation, and sat with the tearful little girl just as Jac pushed aside the curtain.

"Lexi? What's wrong?" she looked from her daughter to Mo to Jonny and back again with fear in her eyes. Immediately she assumed there was something more wrong with her daughter's health, Jonny could see that. Taking her hand, and noticing how she struggled both to keep it there and to remove it, he led her into the locker room. "Jonny – please … tell me what's wrong."

He turned away so that he couldn't see her face. "I'm leaving." He told her in a flat, emotionless voice to hide back how hard it was.

"Leaving?" Jac repeated in a whisper.

"Yeah, t'day."

He knew she was crying – she'd spent much of the past few weeks in tears – because he could hear her trying to hide her sobs. "Why? Why now? Jonny … you can't!" her voice broke, sooner than he'd been expecting, and he found himself turning to face her. "Please don't go … I – I need – _I need you_ please … Jonny!" She was leaning against one of the rows of lockers, and Jonny found himself stepping up to her and placing a hand on her waist and the other on cheek. "Why?" she begged, "what – what about Lex? Don't you even … _care_ about – about _our _daughter anymore?"

"Of course I do!" he said fiercely, pressing his forehead against hers. "Jac I …" _I can't cry_ he told himself _I won't cry_. "I can't keep doing this," his voice broke.

"Doing what?"

"I can't keep hurting you!" At least she wasn't wearing any makeup today. "These tears Jac," he stroked them away with both hands, not that it made much difference, "it isn't you … it – it …" he threw his head back in the hopes that he could control his emotions. Jac's hands were resting lightly on his chest, her fingers curled slightly round the collar of his shirt – like she used to.

"What? Jonny I don't understand!" He couldn't say, he was shaking with his sobs that were mingling with hers and her pleas to stay just made things worse; she didn't need him. "Is it _her_? Is she making you go?"

"No Jac … it was my own choice …"

"Then please … Jonny – please just … just – just tell me."

He owed her some kind of explanation. "It kills me;" he whispered, "when you cry it kills me, okay? Because it means … oh god, it means that – that someone else has … has hurt you," he found he was leaning into her, there was no space between them and his hands were on her waist while hers were resting on his neck and in his hair. "You've been hurt too much Jac … you've been let down too much and …" he shook his head.

"And what?" she whispered, "Jonny this isn't a reason to leave!"

"Yes it is! Jac I – I … you deserve better. You cry and – and I … I wanna make it better. I wanna make it right. Only … I can't anymore;" he closed his eyes, "because I'm the one hurting you."

She didn't deny it because it was true; "Stay … please; I – I don't care … Jonny!"

He shook his head, "I can't … Jac I love you; I love you and I shouldn't … I'm – you said it – I'm engaged … I'm gonna get married and …" he took her face between his hands and looked into her eyes. "I love you and I shouldn't."

"I love you too …" he'd done it. He'd destroyed her. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "So … so sorry – I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." His lips met hers and for a moment, just a moment, they had a reminder of what things _should've _been before Jac turned her head and refused to look at him. He stepped back and headed for the door. She was looking determinedly away from him although he knew if he didn't leave soon, she'd break right in front of him. "I'm so sorry …" Shutting the door behind him and wiping his eyes dry on the back of his sleeve, Jonny left the building and stood alone, waiting for the bus.

_Waiting._

For things to get better.


	7. Chapter 7

Elliot and Mo exchanged a look and then opened the door to the locker room tentatively, wondering what kind of state they'd find Jac in. That Jonny had wiped his eyes once he'd emerged from the room had not been a good sign and he'd marched off without speaking to anyone. Jac stood where Jonny had left her, her eyes red and tear marks down her cheeks and her arms hugging her body, but she was silent. Mo half wondered if she'd finally cried herself out, or if she was in shock. Probably both.

"Jac?" Elliot said softly.

She blinked, and looked round; a weak, very forced and painful smile stretched across her face. "I'm fine," she lied, "honestly."

"You sure?" Mo asked.

"I have to be, don't I? For Lexi," she let them lead her out of the locker room and into the on-call-room where they convinced her that she needed to sleep; it was late and neither wanted her to go home alone.

Jac lay down on the bed, numb. Nothing registered anymore because Jonny was gone. Restless and unable to close her eyes because then she'd see him and hear him again, Jac got to her feet and left the room only to sit beside her daughter and watch as the little girl slept. Tomorrow was the operation; tomorrow Jac might lose all she had left. Tomorrow there wouldn't be anyone to hold her and tell her that things were okay.

_How did it come to this?_ She wondered. How had she ended up like this? So alone, so afraid, so scared, so tired, so drained, so isolated, so … well, so like this. He'd told her that he loved her, but that he _shouldn't_ love her … what had that meant? But did finding an answer really matter anymore? Would it change anything? Not likely. Not at all. He'd chosen _her_ over Lexi and herself; he wanted a _proper_ family and a wife and he wanted a woman he felt he should love. He didn't want Jac; he'd never, _really _wanted Jac.

But what he'd said about not wanting to hurt her anymore … he did care, that much was clear – even if it was only a percentage of what she'd of wished it to be – and … he had kissed her, briefly, before she'd seen sense and pulled away. That kiss; the small glimpse into what _should've been_ would haunt her for life. Because Jac and Jonny should've been; not Jonny and _her._

But Jac had pushed him and tested him until he'd snapped and until he'd decided he didn't want her any longer. It was her fault. All of it; the big mess of her life and Lexi's life was her fault because she should've let him in when she'd had the chance and not after he'd found _her._ What was wrong with her? All she did was screw things up and make them worse … _not Lexi;_ a voice whispered _you haven't ruined Lexi … yet._

Yet.

A word that forever lingered on at the end of what she hadn't destroyed. She hadn't screwed up her job … yet. She hadn't driven away Sacha, Mo and Elliot … yet. She hadn't – no she should stop there before she started contemplating doing something utterly stupid. She'd already make that mistake and it had cost her three years of being sectioned as a child and a further five years to prove that she had gotten past it.

What now? What happened now? When – not if, when – Lexi got better, what then? With no Jonny to help her out and convince her that she was doing good or to agree to babysit whenever Sacha or Mo convinced her to have a night off. No one to turn to when things threatened to go wrong. No one to turn to when she was certain that someone was about to ring social services. How was she to cope? How was she to manage? She was, as she was meant to be, alone.

It wasn't as if she deserved what she had; Lexi, her friends, even Jonny – for a while. It was all too good to be true and now … now she was paying for the three short, borrowed, years of happiness and achievement. Now she was going to lose it all. _Jonny … please come back._ But he wouldn't because this was him 'protecting' her, not that it was working; the idiot didn't take into account how much his absence would hurt her!

Unless he had but didn't care.

But he did care, Jac had always known that. Deep down, she'd always known that he loved her still – however the circumstances had forced them apart and apart they would stay. Jac let her gaze fall back to Lexi and she frowned. Something was wrong. She didn't know what, but she knew – of course she knew, she was her mother! – that something wasn't right. "Elliot!" she called, her voice wavering, "Mo!"

They were there in an instant and the look of impending doom on Jac's face told them that they should've attached the little girl to a bp machine after all. Unsure what was happening, but knowing that it wasn't good, Jac found she was asking for Jonny; she needed Jonny. Needed him to hold her and tell her Lexi was fine. Needed him to tell her she'd done the right thing and that she'd probably brought extra time for their child.

"Jonny? Please … I need Jonny." Someone guided her into the relatives' room and told her to wait; they placed a cup of tea into her hands and pushed her down onto a chair. "Please … I need Jonny." It was all she could say as she felt the panic threaten to take control of her and claim her as its own; there was just blind panic and the need for Jonny.

"Okay, wait here; I'll go get him." Yes, wait; Jac was used to waiting. It was as if she spent all her life doing just that and then getting to the end only to be filled with disappointment. Whoever it was left the room at a run, digging phone out of their pocket as they went.

_Waiting._

She was used to that.


	8. Chapter 8

_Bus Service Suspended._ Well that was just marvellous wasn't it? Irrationally, he kicked the sign with the message over and by doing so he made the mistake of giving in to his anger and his hurt. Why had he kissed her? _Why?_Now he'd forever have that hanging over his head and taunting him and teasing him and reminding him of her – and of Lexi.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he stalked off down the road wishing he could just forget – and angry that he couldn't. He hadn't entertained the thought until he passed the off-licence. Taking the whole 'fuck this' attitude he went inside and emerged a moment or two later with a fairly decent sized bottle of whiskey – which happened to have been made up in Scotland – and the means the fall back into the addiction of his youth.

Seriously, why had it been so hard? Aside from the fact that he loved her and he loved Lexi. It would almost have been easier just to not tell her at all; leave without saying goodbye. That way he wouldn't have had to break, not only Jac's heart, but his little girl's too … he unscrewed the top of the bottle and placed it to his lips, taking a rather large swig of the golden-brown liquid. It burned the back of his throat and his eyes smarted slightly. Letting out a gasp he took another … and another … and another.

Soon nearly half the bottle had gone. He slumped down on the curb and waited for it to hit him and wondering if this would make him forget. His initial anger seemed to have settled down and he wondered if he'd better get off the road in case he got hit by a car or an ambulance – what irony that would be. Setting the bottle down beside him, he dug out the cigarettes and the lighter and idly wondered how Jac would react if she found him with a fag in his mouth … he frowned then, lighting the stick of death, and felt raw emotion bubble up inside him once again.

Angry at the world for being so cruel he got up from his spot and marched off. He turned round after two steps to retrieve his whiskey and then headed in a totally different direction. Bored of the cigarette he dropped it to the floor and stamped it out, twisting his foot to the ground as if trying to kill it. Going to unscrew the cap again, but realising it was already, Jonny took several more mouthfuls as he let his feet choose the direction.

A buzz in his pocket caused him to stop and, confused slightly, it was several moments before he realised what it was. Fumbling through his pockets, and nearly dropping the whiskey, Jonny pulled out his phone. A torrent of abuse blasted out of the device as his fiancée screeched at him like she always did – actually she was only asking him in a tightly control manner why he wasn't home yet – and Jonny found he was growing angry at her. Words, harsh words, tumbled out of his mouth made all the more _hurtful_ due to his accent that he would never ever say if he wasn't so angry, hurt, upset, frustrated, pissed off, and every other form of emotion that went with the ones just listed.

But they were honest. For the first time, he told her the truth and what he really felt, before he took it a step too far and blamed _her_ for what happened between him and Jac. Now, he definitely deserved the words she threw back at him for that … but after effectively ending the best part of his life her words bounced off him and ceased to affect him. The only thing that did cause him to react, and only then it was a blink, was when she uttered the word _'over'_. "Fine!" he snapped, "as if I give a care in the world!"

_Over_. So now what? Now what! He had nothing. Nothing. _Nothing._ Looking up Jonny found he was standing with the hospital leering in front of him. Unsure why he was here, he ducked into the ally way round the side of complex and lit up another fag. Angry he threw his phone with all his might at the floor and then, setting the whiskey down on top of the dumpster, jumped on it and stamped on it so that the device was smashed into a thousand pieces. He stared at the bits of technology now littered across the floor – useless like he was; without a purpose and completely devoid of any point now that its primary function had been taken away.

He had nothing. No Jac, no Lexi, no fiancée, no future, no job, no friends, no family, no home no … nothing. G_reat work Jonny. Top notch, your father would be so proud …_ frustrated, he clenched his fists before he started to use the dumpster as he would a punch bag. The flimsy metal caved slightly as Jonny hit the thing hard enough that his hand sapazamed and erupted into agony. Now cross that his hand was hurting, he flung his arm out as if to throw his hand away and it caught on a sharp bit of the wall behind him.

Yelling with hurt – and using the excuse of his hand – Jonny slumped down against the wall and let the tears fall as he cradled his broken hand like he once had cradled Lexi. What had he done? Made a mess of things, that's what. Ruined his life, Lexi's life, Jac's life … all their lives; he didn't deserve Jac or Lexi. Unbidden, the image of Jac with tears streaming down her face as Lexi questioned her mother's sadness rose up in his mind. His fault. All his fault. He should never have walked over to Jac at that course; should never have convinced her up to that hotel room and should never have gone back for more. He rested his head against the wall and surrendered to the whirl of emotions running through him.

Someone was yelling his name. Jonny had no clue what was going on. He felt the person slapping his face lightly, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him. "Jonny! Jonny Mac!" he tried to push whoever it was away, but he'd forgotten his right hand was virtually useless. As he doubled over, someone dragged him to his feet, talking all the while. "C'mon man, Jac needs you …" Jonny had no clue how long it took but sometime later – or no time – he was pushed onto a bed in AAU and told to wait. So he sat there waiting.

_Waiting._

For who-knows what.


	9. Chapter 9

He didn't know how long he sat there on the bed but after a while something registered. _'Jac needs you'_ … getting to his feet, swaying slightly, and trying not to move his hand Jonny walked out of the Acute Admissions Unit before whoever it was – he had a suspicion it was Malick – came back. She needed him … it must be something because otherwise they wouldn't have come looking for him, although if it _was_ Malick then the impulsiveness of the decision was explained. What if … what if there was something wrong with Lexi?

Jonny ground to a stop half way up the stairs and grabbed hold of the banister to prevent himself from falling backwards. In his semi drunken state Jonny came to realise that he'd been a bit of an idiot … in fact he'd been more than 'a bit' of an idiot; he'd been a massive idiot. They should name him Idiot Of The Year. _There had been a third option._

Option three. Marry Jac.

Simple really since it was her he wanted to marry and it was her he wanted to spend his life with and watch Lexi grow up with. He did love her. In fact Jac was the one he _should've _loved and chosen, not the woman he'd been engaged to for six months. Now he knew why Jac was so fond of calling him an idiot …

But he'd broken her; destroyed her … he took nearly everything she had from her and walked away from not only her, but his daughter too. He had to put it right, he had to say sorry and make her see that he meant it. He had to see her and he had to, more than anything else in the entire world, he had to fix her. He was the only one who could – the only one who knew _how_ to. The only one who cared enough to have shattered through her defences and see her for who and what she really was and still think no differently of her.

Jonny knew that he had to get to Darwin before they put in a phone call and got security involved; otherwise he wouldn't be able to speak to Jac. He lurched up the stairs, the alcohol numbing the pain of his hand and he reached the sixth floor after about five minutes since the amount of Scottish whiskey he'd drunk had only affected his ability to walk rather than dull his mind and speech. Throwing his weight on the doors, he fell to the floor in a heap because he hadn't been able to balance out in time.

"Jonny?" someone took hold of his arm and helped him to his feet; concerned Chantelle repeated his name as he swayed and tried to focus on her.

"Jac?" he asked letting the wall take his weight. He didn't wait for her answer as he spotted her through the glass of the relatives' room. "Jac!"

"Jonny? What – what are you …" she'd been crying again and he knew something had happened.

"There was a call from AAU, apparently they're looking for him," Chantelle said and Jonny shook his head while missing Jac's sorrowful sigh.

"Ask them to come and get him please …" he saw her lips move but didn't hear the words. "You! What are you even … I – Jonny, I …"

"Sssshhhh! You needed me … someone – I thinks someone – said that, erm …" he collapsed into a chair while Jac stood with her arms wrapped round herself. If he'd not been so intoxicated, he would've seen just how much his appearance and attitude and obvious recklessness was hurting her; she wanted to help him, to rush to his side and patch him up as he had often done to her. However she didn't want to risk – _couldn't risk_ – him breaking her and hurting her even more.

"Not like this …" she whispered. "What happened?"

"I …" he frowned. "I have nothing, okay? She … me, er, fiancée, she er … we're _over_," he mouthed the word as if it was a forbidden word and Jac closed her eyes. "I … I made it to the bus stop and then … and then everything went wrong," Jonny whispered, "Because I didn't have you and Lexi anymore."

"Mr Malick and Mr Spence are on their way up to get him," Chantelle said to Jac from the doorway.

"Thank you … I'll be fine." Chantelle left and Jonny watched as Jac fought her inner demons as to whether or not to approach him.

"I need you … I think? I – I mean that … well that …" he took a deep breath, stumbled to his feet – Jac immediately retreated to the far wall – and got himself a cup of water from the sink. It seemed to help a bit because after five he started to find the fog in his mind lifting. "I made it one street away from you Jac before I … before – well before I gave up … I'm an idiot – the world's biggest idiot. In fact I should be given a trophy for being the biggest, stupidest, idiot ever."

Jac wasn't saying anything; however she had moved that bit closer to him even if she still seemed close to breaking down. Jonny dared to look at her and was shocked when he saw tears falling despite no sounds emitting from her.

"I … I'm sorry," he whispered at last and he caved. "Please Jac … I'm sorry … I – I should never have said that … that I shouldn't love you. I mean, you're the one person I should love! And I do … okay? I love you and … you … I'm sorry. I've said sorry and I will continue to say sorry Jac; I love you and I love Lexi and I want this – us – our family to work." He looked at her imploringly, "Jac I – I … I'm sorry. Oh god I'm so sorry. Please … forgive me."

"You expect me let you walk back into my life, just like that? What do you take me for?" She had every right to be angry with him, but it was hurt in her voice.

"I … I – I … erm, I – I …" he had nothing.

"You're an idiot! An absolute _fucking_ idiot!" she was crying all the harder now, shaking with the effort to stop herself from sobbing.

He bit his lip and nodded in agreement.

"I – I can't stand the sight of you right now; _look at you!_ Just … just – go … just go Jonny. I said go! Please … just … go."

"But …" he felt arms grab him from behind and he struggled with them as whoever it was dragged him away from Jac. She made no move to stop them.

"Jac, you okay?" An American accent to his left asked and he watched Jac nod once. "Okay well Malick and I will take care of Maconie here."

"Channers? Can you let Mo and Elliot know what's happened?"

"Of course."

Jonny struggled; _'Please just go!'_ but she needed him and he needed her and … Lexi! "Lexi, why aren't you with Lexi?" he yelled as Michael and Malick dragged him into the lift. He broke free from their grasp but the sudden lack of support meant his legs buckled and he tumbled to the floor. His head hit something rather solid and he lay on the ground in a daze waiting for something to happen; around him people crowded and he was sure they were speaking to him. He lurched to the side as his stomach decided it'd had enough of what Jonny had put in it and he just waited.

_Waiting._

He wasn't really sure what for.


	10. Chapter 10

Some idiot had put the radio on, tuned to one of those stations that played all the soppy love songs late at night. Jac sat alone in the relatives' room with the wish that it was tomorrow already. It had been a long day – a _very_ long day and she just wanted it to be over. Jonny had not only left and then come back in, frankly, a state, but Lexi had crashed hours before her op was due … The two most important people in her life and she was close to losing them both.

Lexi … well all she could do was hope that Elliot and Mo could save her; her precious daughter's life was in the hands of her friends and there was nothing Jac could do. Either Lexi would make it or she wouldn't. Jac sitting and worrying would not change the outcome of theatre in any way whatsoever so why do it?

The radio DJ mumbled something and then a vaguely familiar song started playing from the black box on the counter by the sink. **_'… right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart and I your willing victim, I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty and with every touch you fixed them …' _**the words of the song on the radio swam through her mind … well Jonny had stolen her heart – far earlier than she'd ever admitted to anyone but Lexi – and she'd let him in and he'd fixed her. Was she really going to go down this route? Was she really going to do this _now_?

_Looks like it_ she thought and let out a sigh. **_'… we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again …'_** could they? Could she and Jonny, as the song put it 'learn to love again'? Or was it not really a case of that, more a case of … well she wasn't sure. **_'… I thought that we were fine …'_** they had been fine. When Jac had returned from her trip to Japan all those years ago after doing what she'd done to him … she'd said sorry and meant it. And she'd told him she loved him.

And for a while (a week or two) they'd been fine – more than fine – until she'd made the mistake of shutting him out rather than letting him in. **_'… you used to lie so close to me …'_** She had no doubt in her mind that if she'd told him the truth right from the start rather than fob him off with the excuse of 'period pains' then things would've worked out differently – things would've worked out all the better. But … they might not have had Lexi. Would they still have had that night together _that way _after Tara Lo had died if they'd actually been together? Jac hadn't a clue. In fact she hadn't a clue about anything much anymore. She knew about two things; she loved Lexi and she needed Jonny. Everything else had ceased to matter much to her anymore.

Would it work? Her and Jonny … would it work? Or was it just another stupid bad idea – idea or dream? **_'… no nothing is as bad as it seems …'_** what was he doing to her? She thought of nothing else aside from him and Lexi … him and Lexi … Jonny and Lexi … Jonny and Lexi … endlessly round her head like the words of the song. Could it work … or was she doomed to being in love with a man who didn't love her back for always?

_'And I do … okay? I love you.'_ had he meant it or was it just the alcohol he'd been drinking that was talking any kind of shit that crossed his mind? _'I made it one street away from you Jac before I … before I gave up.' _Jac buried her face in her hands and let out a pathetic little sob – the sort Jonny knew meant 'help me, hold me' – as her mind refuse to accept her heart's decision to let him back so easily.

She needed him.

She loved him.

It was that simple.

But when he woke would he remember his hasty choice to beg her to take him back in the morning or would he use the 'I was drunk' excuse and crawl back to _her_? Probably … **_'… there's a girl that gives a shit behind this wall …'_** they all thought she didn't care – that she only wanted him back for Lexi's sake and not hers … but what Mo had said the other week about them all knowing she still loved him … yeah, Jac Naylor did actually give a shit underneath her defensives – in fact she probably gave more of a shit about something than most people did.

If she stayed here any longer the songs would drive her crazy with worry and longing and hope and shattered dreams and broken promises and upheld wishes and … Jac shook her head. **_'… and I remember all those crazy things you said; you left them running through my head …'_** he'd told her that any product of her womb was most likely turn out to be the antichrist and had asked who would want to have a child with her.

Yes. He'd said all those things years ago … they still hurt though. Reaching the door, Jac figured she would get herself a coffee and so passing the nurses' station where Chantelle sat in conversation with Gemma, Jac told them where she was going and to page her when there was news from theatre. They nodded and watched her with concern and sympathy as she headed for the stairs.

But the song was still going round her mind. **_'… what I'd do to have you …'_** Jac had learnt what happened when she went through with the 'what I'd do to have you' ideas; they backfired and just made the whole situation worse and made her hurt all the more for longer and they turned everyone against her. She couldn't afford to have enemies anymore because she was no longer up to it.

Jac reached the ground floor sooner than she'd been expecting and after getting her coffee, found she was wondering towards AAU. **_'… I love the way you are …'_** he was brilliant with Lexi; Jac couldn't wish for a better father for her daughter … even if he had walked away. _He left because he didn't want to hurt us anymore_ Jac reminded herself. **_'… don't have to try hard …'_** it was easy when they were together; Jonny, Lexi and her. The perfect dysfunctional family … and it _felt_ easy and right and … well, honestly? It felt like it was meant to be.

He held her and she was safe – nothing could harm her … yes it had gotten to the point where Jonny had been the only one hurting her but that was only because she thought he didn't love her or want her. It had been because she'd thought he had everything he wanted. She entered the ward and looked round, wondering idly where Jonny was. **_'… I just wanna let you know that I never wanna let you go …'_** Michael spotted her and guided her into the side room; he was talking to her about something but she wasn't listening. He seemed to get the hint and left her to it, shutting the door softly behind him.

Jonny lay on the bed; a drip fixed to his arm and hooked up to a bp machine as well as a few others for good measure. "You idiot," Jac whispered. His right hand was bandaged and in brace – at least it wasn't broken – and he seemed only to be sleeping rather than unconscious. It wouldn't be easy; but then nothing worthwhile ever was. Settling down in the chair by his bedside and knowing that she'd be paged as soon as there was any news from theatre, Jac sighed. **_'… just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough …'_** the bottom line was she loved him and that she needed him; the rest would all just … fall into place along the way she hoped as she waited for him to wake up or for the bleep to tell her she needed to start worrying about her daughter again.

_Waiting._

For tomorrow never comes.


	11. Chapter 11

"Have you been here all night?" Jac nodded. "Michael told me what happened … are you going to forgive him?"

"I want to," she whispered, "but what if … what if he didn't mean it? What if it was just the alcohol talking or … or he regrets it or – or …" she bit her lip to stop the tears – too many tears! – she'd been holding back since she first entered the side room.

"Oh Jac …" Sacha engulfed her into a one of his trademark hugs and it made things seem a little better. "What have I told you about always assuming the worst?"

"Sorry …"

"What's the news on Lexi?"

"Not really sure other than she's in HDU … Elliot didn't want me to come up and told me to stay here until Jonny wakes up; Ric's meant to let him know once we've 'sorted things' apparently." Jac told her friend as he turned to the occupant of the bed. "I hope he has the world's worst hangover when he does wake," she muttered. Sacha smiled slightly, checked Jonny's obs and then left the room to see to the rest of AAU and leaving Jac to her thoughts just as Jonny stirred.

He blinked and then lifted his injured hand to his head, a confused look on his as he found it was bandaged, and groaned. Jac didn't say anything as he took in his surroundings; she wanted to give him time for yesterday to come back and she wasn't quite sure what to say to him. Jonny let out as sigh and then pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed before letting his head fall back against the pillows. "I'm sorry," he whispered and Jac blinked as a small smile flickered across his tired face. She hadn't realised he'd seen her. "I heard you and Sacha talking," he admitted. "Really, I am sorry."

"What were you thinking?" she whispered in return, reaching out to take his hand but then pulling her hand back.

"I wasn't … I – I … I wasn't thinking, just acting …"

"You're an –"

"An idiot. Yeah I know," he finished. "There it is … you're wee smile," he added, "I've missed it … don't cry!"

"I can't help it … you just … you – I … you're an idiot okay? I've fallen for a complete idiot and it – it drives me insane sometimes. You're worse than Lex!"

Jonny didn't say anything as Jac wiped her eyes with the back of her hand although his look did tell her that he was truly sorry for yesterday. Her heart had already forgiven him; her heart would _always_ forgive him. The question was; could she take him back? "Tell me what you're thinking," he asked tucking her hair behind her ears.

"I don't know what to do," she whispered. "I don't know I could take it if you left me again."

"I won't," the certainty in his voice was absolute and Jac almost believed him. "Please Jac … please. Can't we – can't we just … _try_ again?"

"I don't wanna try Jonny. I'm tired of trying and tired of it never working. I'm tired of things going wrong. I try and … and it never works so why bother?"

"But I love you."

"I know, I just … what if – what if I screw up? What then? I can't risk you not forgiving me, for Lexi's sake, but …" Jac fell silent as Jonny reached for her hand with his injured one. "What did you do to it?"

"I er … I kinda used one of the bins round the back of the hospital as a wee punch bag …"

"They said you had cigarettes on you too, as well as the booze …"

"Yeah … I figured you wouldn't approve."

"Oh Jonny! What am I going to do with you? First Lexi and then you … I can't cope, okay? I can't … just can't – can't cope."

"Okay okay okay okay," he said softly. "What d'you want me to do Jac?"

Jac shook her head. "I don't know … okay? I … I – I love you – too much maybe – and … I have to do what's right for Lexi."

"You've been doing that ever since she was born Jac; she's always come first … you had the chance to leave – to get away from me and move on – but you stayed … for Lex. Just this once last time, be selfish in what you choose." Jonny told her. "Please. I don't wanna see you hurt anymore."

"I want you." Jac whispered eventually and he wiped her tears away and smiled at her.

"What have I told you about crying?" he chided gently and Jac broke out into a small grin.

"It's okay," she told him, "they're good tears – or they are now."

"I think I can handle good tears." He shifted over on the bed slightly, making room for Jac. Careful not to obstruct any of the tubes, lines, drips, wires that were attached to him, Jac settled down next to him with his arm around her and rested her head against his shoulder.

They stayed as they were for a long time; not speaking because they had the rest of their lives to speak and it was one of those moments in which speech wasn't needed. Truthfully? Jonny wondered why he'd not taken her back the moment he'd worked out she was pregnant. If he had things would've been simpler and a lot less painful on them both – and on Lexi. He promised, there and then, that no matter what happened he'd never hurt Jac again. He'd had enough of hurting Jac and he didn't think she would survive if he broke her again. Jonny would spend the rest of the time he had to heal Jac. With Lexi's help, they would show her what it was like to have a proper family and what it was like to be loved.

The door opened and Ric Griffin entered with Elliot in tow. Judging by the look on Jac's face, she wasn't taking kindly to being told to go home and freshen up but when Elliot told her that she wasn't seeing Lexi until that had happened, she relented and agreed to me Mo by the main entrance in five minutes' time. The three men watched her leave and then the two consultants turned their attention to Jonny.

"Listen, Ric says he's happy to discharge you on the condition you remain on Darwin so I can keep an eye on you for the rest of the day." he nodded, slightly confused. "And there is something else … your fiancée – _ex_ fiancée I should say – called social services. They arrived this morning and are seriously considering taking Alexandra into care."

_No … no!_ "Why?"

"Jac's inability to care for her was greatly exaggerated and they were under the impression she was in hospital because of mistreatment, not an underlying condition we've been monitoring since birth."

"What … but …"

"You have to keep it together Jonny; convince them that you and Jac can give your daughter everything they expect you to, understand?"

"Is that why you sent Jac home? To warn me?"

"Yes … now wait here while we get the discharge forms … and I suggest you change into scrubs before they see you as you are … I've convinced them that her reasons for being in hospital have nothing to do with how she may or may not have been treated so you're in the clear there." Elliot gave him a pat on the arm. "You can do this Jonny … there is still a chance you'll walk away with Lexi and no interference from social services … wait here a moment."

Jonny let his had thud back against the pillows … how could she do this to him? She _knew_ how much Lexi meant to him and to Jac. And she knew Jac's fears about the care system and how she was adamant that it was corrupt, twisted, and rarely ever worked. Was this all because the news he'd chosen Jac, that he'd run back to Jac had reached _her_ moments after she'd ended it while he'd been drunk and depressed last night? He was not going to let them take Lexi away from him or from Jac, that Jonny was certain of as he waited for Elliot and Ric to return.

_Waiting._

For judgement to come.


	12. Chapter 12

It was with difficulty that Jonny signed the discharge forms as Harry Tressler handed him a set of fresh scrubs in the Keller colours. "The only ones I could get my hands on," he explained and Jonny nodded his thanks. Harry took the forms and left him to get changed out of the hospital gown and into the guise of a GS surgeon. Running a hand over his face, Jonny felt the stubble that had grown during the night and he hoped he could get away without shaving for the day. Grabbing the clear plastic bag which held the contents of his pockets, Jonny left the room and made his way up to Darwin, his daughter, and the social.

Expecting some kind of ratty man, probably with no kids of his own, whose only joy in life was making other people's lives a misery and who also supported an unhealthy obsession with young girls; Jonny stepped out of the lift. True Jac's opinion of the care system and how every social worker was a paedophile in their own right was probably colouring his own judgement but still … it was with trepidation that Jonny approached the nurses' station where Elliot was stood awaiting his arrival. Making some remark about his clothing – no doubt to try and lighten the situation – Elliot guided him into HDU.

Had Jonny not been head-over-heels in love with Jac then he would've found the woman sitting and talking to Lexi very attractive. "Daddy! You came back!"

Knowing that the social worker was listening to everything in the hopes something would be said that meant she could snatch Lexi away, Jonny plonked himself down on his daughter's bed and hugged her tightly. "Daddy will always come back Lex."

"Where's mummy?"

"She's gone home to have a wash Lex, alright?" Lexi nodded with a smile as she kissed him lightly on the nose. "Auntie Mo will bring her back about lunch time, okay? You're stuck with ya wee daddy 'till then."

Lexi then started complaining about needing the toilet so Chantelle was delegated the task of taking her while the social worker turned her attention on Jonny. "I'm Alison Jones," she introduced herself as.

"Jonny Maconie."

"I've heard …" his stiff tone and not quite hostile attitude probably gave him away. "I don't want to take Alexandra away from you Jonny."

"No, you want to take her away from Jac."

"I just want what's best for Alexandra."

"Well the best for her would be to keep her with her mother!" Jonny took a deep breath; he couldn't afford to lose his temper in front of Alison Jones.

"Were you brought up in care? Is that why you're reacting like this?"

"No … Jac was and – and … well she didn't have a good time. You talk about 'duty of care' to each child but for some reason, that never applied to Jac." He didn't need to go into detail because Alison had already figured it out. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't suspect that he had genuine reasons for opposing her.

"Things have changed since then; we go to a great deal of effort to ensure that type of thing doesn't happen."

"I'm not letting you take my daughter away from me."

The woman sighed. "All I need to do is to verify that Jac Naylor is capable of providing for and looking after Alexandra. That the call came from you ex-fiancée moments after your relationship with her ended … well what with the fact that things were overly exaggerated …" Alison Jones smiled at him. "So long as Jac can cope – is coping – then you have nothing to be afraid of."

Jonny watched as she got up and left the room. _So long as Jac can cope – is coping – then you have nothing to be afraid of._ But … Jac wasn't coping; not on her own at any rate.

"Wait! What if … me and Jac; we're together now – and … well she's got me to … to help her. Does that change anything?"

Alison raised an eyebrow at him. "Perhaps," she left the room and Jonny let his head fall into his hands. An hour ago things had started to get better; things had promised that the worse was over. Now he and Jac faced the prospect of losing their daughter … all because of a call to the social that wasn't needed. Because Jac would manage with Jonny at her side; she'd juggle work and a daughter just fine because she had the man she loved in her life for good. It was all Jac had needed really; someone to catch her before she fell and to guide her when she was lost.

She had that now – honestly she'd always had it – and Jonny had come to his senses so what was the problem? Maybe Jac was right, and that all a social worker wanted was to make the parents and children as miserable as possible … at least Jonny could count on their friends in the hospital to back them up as well. And Lexi would be in no way compromising to their situation … in fact she'd most likely be the one aspect he and Jac could count on to win over Alison Jones.

Jac … unless Mo had told her, she was still unawares of the delicately of the situation. Well the whole going home and freshening up card Elliot had played had been a good one – at least Jonny had time to work out how to approach Jac in all this and how he was going to convince her to stay calm. Easier said than done, but then again most things were.

Chantelle returned with Lexi and told Jonny that Mo had arrived back with Jac and that they were waiting for him in the canteen. Thanking her, promising Lexi he'd buy her a chocolate bar, Jonny left Darwin and went to join Jac – wondering what kind of state she'd be in and if Mo had told her about the unwanted intervention of social services.

He found them at a table in the corner, Mo left them be almost as soon as Jonny arrived – she lingered only to tell him off for his behaviour the previous night and to see if he was okay. Taking the seat across from Jac, and taking her hand in his, Jonny decided on honesty. His eyes never left her face as he told her gently about how his ex-fiancée had tipped off social services. She let him finish and said nothing for a moment or two after he'd fallen silent.

"Jac?"

"What … what – what now?"

"I don't know," he told her honestly. "But I know that we'll do it together." She nodded and got to her feet, finally making some cryptic remark about his clothing, before taking his left hand – his uninjured one – and letting him lead her up to their daughter.

"What do you want most Alexandra?"

"It's Lexi!"

"Sorry … what do you want most of all Lexi?"

Jonny pulled Jac to a stop outside HDU and whispered her to be quite.

"I want daddy to marry mummy," she told the social worker sincerely. "Because then mummy would be happy always."

"What do you mean?"

"She happy when she's with daddy," they heard the little girl explain through the door.

"Who would you want to live with, if you could choose anyone?"

There was a bit of confusion in Lexi's voice as she said, as if it was obvious, "daddy _and_ mummy of courses … at the same time!"

Jonny looked at Jac, who was smiling with tears glistening in her eyes. "Don't cry," he whispered and she shook her head amused, before kissing him lightly.

"I'll try not to," she promised as he opened the door to HDU.

"Mummy! Mummy _and_ daddy! See! What I want!" Jac laughed a little as she pulled her little girl into her arms and hugged her tightly. Jac and Jonny endured a rather difficult hour of questions, while Lexi-Lou sat and answered most of Alison Jones' questions as though they were the most obvious and silly questions ever created.

And then, at last, came the part Jac was dreading; the part where Alison – who was actually a fairly nice woman – left the room to decide their lives before returning to deliver her verdict. Mercifully, Lexi had not grasped the fact that she might be taken away from her parents. Jonny lay sprawled across the end of her bed while Lexi sat on her mother's lap laughing at the voices he was doing for the seven dwarves.

The door opened and Jonny, seeing the panicked look on Jac's face when Alison asked to see one of them alone immediately volunteered. "Where's daddy gone?" Jac's heart broke; she had to tell Lexi, to warn her and to have the little girl promise she'd be strong and that she'd never ever forget just how much Jac and Jonny loved her. Because Jac knew there was no way that fate would let her keep Lexi.

"The nice lady … she was – erm," Jonny slipped back into the room with a grin on his face. Jac blinked, why was he grinning? Could it possibly mean that – no … she wouldn't say it. "Well?" she asked, temporarily forgetting Lexi.

"There is one condition that she wants us to agree to," he told her.

"And she won't take Lexi away?"

"Take me where!"

Jonny nodded. "She … she wants us to …"

"Spit it out Jonny!"

"Yeah daddy, spit it out!"

"She wants us to get married – for Lexi's sake as much as anything … and well …"

"Oh. Right … well …"

"What's the problem?" Jonny asked quickly, "don't you love me? I mean, I love you after all and … well if you don't love me then …"

"You know I do!"

"Yay!" Lexi started to grin at her parents, probably about to tell them off for being so silly, as Jonny kissed Jac firmly on the lips. Typically, Lexi-Lou wormed her way in-between them and showered both their faces with tiny kisses.

"It doesn't have to happen now or anything," Jonny told her, "they just need a date within the next month and they'll let us be."

Jac didn't say anything as Jonny sat on the bed beside her and took both her and Lexi in his arms. The little family sat and waited for Elliot to come and tell them how Lexi's op had gone and whether or not the little girl would need more surgery and if there were any complications. All thoughts of the social had faded from their minds because – well because Lexi wasn't going anywhere. They sat and waited for their future to start.

_Waiting._

It was easier together.


End file.
